Family Friday: Why Kids Leave the Church

Though the statistics vary, almost all studies report that most teenagers who attend church will drop out in college or in their 20s. Those numbers represent a crisis for the church—how do we expect to convince the world if we cannot convince our own children that Christianity is true and worth living and dying for? 

We know that self-help religion has distorted our view of God and religion, but the tenets of self-help have also drastically changed the way we view children in the church. The following three statements are myths that we need to root out:

Myth #1: We can make church a low priority, but hope that our kids will make it the highest priority in their lives. If our religion is ultimately about self-help, then we will tailor our church life around what works best for us, and our kids know exactly what we value. If we come to church when it’s convenient, or attend, but not deeply involved in discipleship and service, then they will do the same thing—although for them it might be not attending at all. They also know when we’re attending only for social or cultural reasons. Our kids will have to see us making church life the focus of our family life as an expression of our unqualified devotion to God. Not making church the highest priority or going for the wrong reasons is effectively teaching them not to care about religion or church at all.

Myth #2: We need to make church enjoyable for them. This myth is so pervasive in our worldview about children, that it’s almost impossible to root out. We do want children to enjoy church; in fact, we want them to love it so much that they never leave! But if we entertain children at church, we are not teaching them to enjoy church; we are teaching them only to enjoy short-term pleasures. We don’t have to teach a child to enjoy Chuck E. Cheese, but a child does have to learn, through years of struggle, to enjoy reading good literature. A child will love playing an instrument only after hundreds of hours of painful practice. Learning catechisms, listening to sermons, sitting still, memorizing Scripture—these things will probably not be pleasurable in the short term, but over time, a child can learn to enjoy them immensely. We are shortchanging ourselves and them by trying to make Christianity something shallow and enjoyable only in the short term. For teens, what they enjoyed as children will easily be something they can leave behind as young adults.

Myth #3: We want to have an emotional experience. Parents put a lot of trust in their kids having a deeply emotional experience of the faith, but remember the parable of the sower and the seeds. When we hear the word, we need to have the good ground where the seed can take root. That good ground is developed by daily learning and meditating and practicing the spiritual disciplines. It’s learning the rich theological heritage of the Christian faith. Otherwise, that emotional experience is quickly snatched away.

In our world, the Christian worldview is no longer assumed. It’s up to us to do the hard work of learning and passing on a Christianity that is robust enough and worthy enough to hold our full devotion. Our children need to see that Jesus is more than our friendly guide: he’s our Savior, our Master, and the center of all we do. And trusting and obeying him, we need to train up our children according to his truth, not the world’s myths.